Since I was young, I have always questioned myself if what I have done or achieved is enough. Not the typical have I slept enough? Have I eaten enough? Do I have enough crayons? No. It was more of a comparing-myself-to-my-cousins type of thing⎯we were living together. I always thought about how to be as smart as them, as creative, as independent, and literally just how to catch up to them cause I always felt that they were better at everything and no matter how I try to catch up I just always fall behind. But I learned that was just me projecting my insecurities cause I was actually not comparing myself to them intentionally but to a sibling of mine. And realising this had me stop comparing myself to my cousins.

I had a great childhood. I learned a lot from my cousins and I am so glad I had a chance to feel what it was like to grow up with siblings. Yet still, the thought of if I could ever be enough stuck to me in the back of my mind until my adulthood. I must say this affected me in so many ways. Some good, some bad, and mostly toxic. It drove me to do well academically, kinda made it hard for me to take a loss or failure, but the worst was how it polluted my mind in what I thought a healthy romantic relationship should be like.

To cut a long story short, I was adamant that the only was to love romantically is to only love one person more that any other. I always⎯always⎯had to be sure that my partner loves me the most out of all his exes and that he would not be capable to love someone as much as he loved me if ever we were to break up. Crazy. Yes. I was.

Looking back on that time, I admit I was crazy to have been that way. But I also saw how it was rooted by the desire to be enough. I wanted to be enough for my partner cause I was never enough for him. If ever I am not enough for my partner then my partner would choose someone else over me. And the thought of that drove me insane. I became possessive, felt every other woman showing the slightest interest in my partner as someone significantly better than me therefore feeling threatened, and I constantly beat myself up if I can’t be like any of the singers, actresses, models, show/literature characters⎯or any other form of woman fictional or not⎯that my partner likes either physically or attitude wise. Like I remember him liking a character from a tv show and I sorta tried my best to imitate her like how she talks and so on. This happened more than one time and let’s just say I was a hot mess.

Now, I’ve learned to manage my emotions better and how to deal with that weight I’ve been carrying my whole life. I’m proud to say I have complete control of my train of thought whenever I start to deviate to comparing myself with others letting me stay clear of any abusive thoughts. I’m not possessive cause I now believe that what’s meant to be will happen. And I don’t need to always be better than others because di atas langit ada langit⎯there will always be someone/something better always. Just be humble and sincere in whatever I do or give.

In summary: I am enough. I am enough for myself, and it’s okay if I can’t always be everything⎯or enough⎯to my partner. I am only human and I can only give so much, that I have to remember to care for myself too. Cause if I can’t love me, I’ll have a hard time loving others.